Sunday, March 23, 2008

Dr. Vector's EXPLODING BRAINS Breakfast Massacre

Inspired by TheBrummell's Bachelor Chow, I present the first of my Dude Food recipes: Dr. Vector's EXPLODING BRAINS Breakfast Massacre. I know you just saw the full name in the title, but it's fun to say, and you're at my mercy, so: Dr. Vector's EXPLODING BRAINS Breakfast Massacre.

Ingredients for Dr. Vector's EXPLODING BRAINS Breakfast Massacre

frozen tater tots
bear grease (or olive oil)
garlic salt
black pepper
Worchestershire sauce
picante sauce
barbeque sauce
horseradish sauce
HP brown sauce (if available)

Instructions for Dr. Vector's EXPLODING BRAINS Breakfast Massacre

1. Fry the bacon to taste. I like mine flexible, but some folks prefer crunchy and that is very much in the spirit of the dish. Set it aside.

2. Throw the frozen tater tots into the bacon grease. Supplement with olive oil if there's not enough grease to get the job done, and if the tub of bear grease in your coldhouse is empty (ya wuss). As the tater tots thaw out, they'll start to fall apart. If you're moving them around with a fork or a spatula, you'll notice that the little tater bits start falling off the end, like those little white balls out of cheap styrofoam. Now you should be able to use your cooking implement to bust 'em apart and make hash browns out of them (you can skip this step if you started out with some form of diced potatoes, Mr. Fancy Pants). Season with whatever you like and fry 'em up. I prefer garlic salt and plain black pepper, but it's a free range, so do what you like. When the hash browns are done, scrape them off and set them aside.

3. Scramble some eggs. I like mine with the usual, garlic salt and black pepper, and a liberal splash of Worchestershire sauce. When the eggs are nearly done, hit them with the cheese. Let the cheese melt a little, then turn the whole mess over a couple of times so everything gets good and intertwingled.

4. Now it's time to start building the breakfast Frankenstein. Pile the cheesy eggs and hashbrowns on a plate. Chop or crumble the bacon and mix it in. Now top liberally--nay, excessively, as if your condiment bottles have Ebola and are crashing and bleeding out--with picante sauce, barbeque sauce, and horseradish sauce, and mix it all up. I used Pace, Bull's Eye, and whatever was in the fridge, respectively. If I'd been in England, I would have added some HP brown sauce. That stuff is awesome.

5. Feed! You don't have to watch Reanimator, Dead Alive, Slither, or Planet Terror while you feast, but that's also very much in the spirit of the dish, and is officially condoned by the Vector Institute of Advanced Gastronomy by Rank Amateurs. Also, depending on your location and level of health, you may be able to save some time by just calling 911 before commencing gustation.

Why is it called Dr. Vector's EXPLODING BRAINS Breakfast Massacre? Because if you've done your job right--mainly by jacking up the condiment level in Step 4 to Ludicrous Speed--the resulting mess looks exactly like somebody blew a zombie's brains out all over your plate. And also because if anyone is watching you cook, their brains will probably explode during Step 4. And because when you get your first taste of the bacony eggy cheesy potatoey Worcestery picantey barbequey horseradishy peppery salty sweet spicy flavor supernova, your brain will also explode. Guaranteed or your money back.

But especially because I am a Tenacious D fan, for miles on to Zanzibar.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anyone who follows your advice gets exactly what they deserve.

I once watched you eat a pickle relish and Worchestershire sauce sandwich in my home. Your food advice is as valuable as parenting advice from Britney Spears.

Oh, and FYI, any recipe that include a recommendation based on British tastes triggers an investigation by Homeland Security.

10:24 AM  
Blogger TheBrummell said...

Awesomeness! I'll be trialling some EXPLODING BRAINS at the earliest opportunity.

And thanks for the cite.

11:18 AM  

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