Thursday, November 30, 2006

Humans, the hors d'oeuvre tray of evolution


By and large, people are just meat on the hoof. This has been true for our entire history, and it's still true today, the Enlightenment, iPods, and global warming notwithstanding. Nature looks at us and smacks her slavering lips hungrily, and even in our fortress of industrialization we are not secure. Need proof? Check out the Animal Attack Files.

Here are my current favorites.

Lakeland, FL - 30 Nov 2006: Alligator Attacks Man, Rips Off Arm

"We don't know whether he'll make it or not," said Polk Sheriff Grady Judd. According to wire reports, the man admitted to 'using drugs', which might explain why he waded, naked, into a gator-infested pond in the middle of the night.

So really it's not so much "alligator attacks man" as "dumbass puts his drug-addled carcass in path of alligator, which behaves perfectly naturally".

London, KY - 7 Nov 2006: Woman Fatally Bitten by Snake in Church
A detective with the Laurel County Sheriff's Office said that Linda Long, 48, was attending a service at East London Holiness Church, which reportedly practices serpent handling. Handling reptiles as part of religious services is a misdemeanor in Kentucky, punishable by a small fine.

Yeah, punishable by a small fine or DEATH! Once again, the story is really "dumbass deliberately places self in path of reptilian destruction". That's what you get at the Holy Shrine of St. Bubba the Late Rattlesnake-Smooching Half-Tard.

Delicious.

Image stolen from here.

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